I am a firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason I applied for the Fulbright. It was the last major discussion I had with my father before he passed away. If you're thinking that he told me I should do it, the answer is wrong. What he did say was that I should apply if I thought I would want it, and that I shouldn't let what was wrong with him stop me from doing something I might want. What I found out recently was that he told my mother he wouldn't live to see my decision and he wanted to be supportive regardless of his opinion on the subject. Three weeks later we were planning his funeral.
A lot of changes took place after that. I fought to keep myself afloat while preparing for my senior year of college. It seems that the odds were not in my favor. My mother lost her job, a family member received a stage-4 cancer diagnosis, and my long-term boyfriend broke up with me. I was not in the right frame of mind to make life decisions, but I didn't really have a choice. I forced myself to start my senior year and make the best of it. I applied to the Fulbright and several graduate schools in my area. I threw myself into my work, I tried to come to terms with emptiness left by the men in my life. I attempted to be social, both at work and with my roommates. Ultimately, I was struggling, but was making it work.
December helped turn things around. I started seeing someone and for a while I felt that things were going my way in life. I branched out a bit. I was more social with my roommates and I relaxed on my studies, feeling that the final stretch was approaching. But that's not how it works. I was denied acceptance at three of my schools, including some in my top three. It came down to the three interviews I was offerred. One school had one professor I loved but not much else. Another had a great location but not the strongest program. The last school had the perfect program for me but was also the furthest from home: 3 1/2 hours. I know some people who don't know me well are probably wondering why this would be such a big deal for a girl who decided to go to Germany. But this is also the girl who couldn't stay at a college 40 minutes away from home for more than 2 weeks without feeling like she would breakdown. But everything happens for a reason. I only got into one school. Guess which one? Yes, I was accepted to Dartmouth College, 3 1/2 hours away from little North Smithfield, RI in Hanover, NH, an Ivy League Division 1 research institute. It was perfect and horrible at the same time. I struggled with making a decision, should I go or should I try to work for a year and then reapply? Ultimately, I decided to accept the position at Dartmouth in the PEMM program. I finally thought I had a plan. A few weeks from graduation, a great graduate school lined up, a good support system at home.
But I guess that my life was meant to be complicated. After I made my decision about Dartmouth, the person I had been dating for several months decided to end our relationship. I thought we were perfect for each other, but he didn't see what I saw between us. Looking back I recognize that it might have been the wrong time for us to be a couple, but I also recognize that I'm not sure there will ever be a right time either. It was a great day that turned into tears. But that story is not the purpose of this post...
A week later, I received my Fulbright acceptance. I knew that I had been listed as an alternate, and I also knew that there were people who were counting on a Fulbright to come to Germany for years. I was not one of those people. I only took German my senior year because I thought it would help my case and I had the space for it. I actually enjoyed those classes, mostly because of my wonderful and patient professor, but I never really thought I would need them. I didn't expect to receive the Fulbright, and once I did receive it, I didn't know what to do with it. People I told on campus were ecstatic, while my mother was in shock. It's not that she wasn't happy, because she tells me every day how proud she is of me, but to her it meant she would be losing another person, even if it was temporary. I struggled with my decision for days, knowing I had less than a week to inform them of my acceptance or denial of their offer. I asked so many people for advice, but I was often reminded that no one could make my decision for me.
The best advice I received on my dilema came from two very different people. The first was from my cousin whom I mentioned earlier (she was the person diagnosed with stage-4 breast cancer). She told me that I should not do something just because I was afraid. If I do not do something just because I am afraid of doing it, I will miss out on a great deal of life. And I realized she was right. I wanted to do the Fulbright but I was afraid. Afraid of the distance, the language barrier, the new people, of not succeeding in my lab, of being homesick. But almost everything I was afraid of also could apply to Dartmouth. The second piece of advice I received was after I had already accepted the Fulbright. At Commencement, I was privileged to meet Brian Kelly, the head coach of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and to listen to his address to my graduating class. He asked us a very simple question that I will continue to ask whenever faced with a difficult decision: "Are you doing what's good for you, or what's best for you?"
So now you know the story behind my decision that led me to living in a dorm overlooking the Elisabethkirche and the Schloß of Marburg. And I don't regret the decision to come; in fact, I believe I would be very angry with myself if I hadn't come and knew what I would have already done in one short month. I've made friends with people just like me, a Fulbright student, but with stories of their own very different from mine. We all took a different path to reach this place, but we are here together. I've toured three incredibly beautiful and historical cities in Germany. I've bought yeast instead of butter, ordered a mudslide instead of a frappuccino, and been left behind in a Cathedral (on more than one occasion). But I've also walked the same path the Brothers Grimm walked on their way to school, traveled to another city on my own, walked across one of the largest man-made lakes in Germany, and discovered that I am stronger than I ever thought I was.
I know that I would not be where I am today were it not for the mosaic of events that led me here. Whatever has happened, happened for a reason, and I am positive that whatever will happen over the following months will also happen for a reason. I look forward to what adventures await me next, and I hope that you have the courage to do what is best for you, no matter how afraid you may be. You're ready.
